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Hours of the Damned

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The hours of the damned are long and they’re bitter
The sweet taste of life has long since been gone
I sit in the cold alone and I shiver
Waiting for the clock to say hours are done
Sweet dreams my loved one as you snuggle down under
A cover of goose-down keeping you warm
Dream of the springtime with flowers that shimmer
The sun warms your flesh as I never have done
Empty are the pages best filled with laughter
Laughter can’t live here with no soil to grow
I tried to make happy words and turned phrases
But deep down inside I guess both of us know
When the sun hits the rim and darkness has fallen
Black are the thoughts that enter the mind
And it hits with no mercy, lashing without warning
It sneaks up inside you and grabs from behind
I’m damned if I did and damned if I didn’t
The night becomes endless, tomorrow just dies
Trying to get through, but no one will listen
Retreat to the inside to hide all the cries
The hours of the damned are long and they’re lonely
But it doesn’t matter, the clock’s ticking away
There’ll come a tomorrow and I’ll be the only
I’ll hear the chime signal the end of all days

*Lacey*

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Stubborn Old Ladies

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So day before yesterday, about 7 in the evening, my mom started blowing up my cell phone. I had volunteered to work over so I just kept cutting off the ringer, but her face continued to dance across my screen over and over. Groaning inside, wondering who had died because of her persistence, I delayed calling her back until after I had clocked out and wolfed down a little dinner (it was after 8pm after all and I was starving!). So finally I called her back, it wasn’t Mom that answered, it was my stepdad, my mom had had a heart attack. It hit me a lot harder than I had ever imagined it would, I’ve pretty much become numb to death now, but the reality of the possibility was to say the least, unsettling. She had refused to stay in the hospital so she was home, sitting in her worn out overstuffed old lady chair, huddled under blankets, very much alive. I talked to her for only a few minutes, which was a red flag right there that she didn’t feel well and you would know that if you have EVER had the opportunity to chat with her. I called her again yesterday after work to check up on her and she sounded like her old chipper self again, sitting in front of the TV, munching on a cookie. Yay! But then another groan, she kept me on the phone for almost an hour, hence why I try to avoid her calls and limit our conversation to only once a week or so. I keep telling her she needs to learn how to text, she’d hear more from all of my brood, but she’s old fashioned I guess (But Mom, nobody TALKS anymore). So anyway, at least I know where I get my stubbornness from, I’ve had to sign that little paper before myself, the one that says you agree not to sue if you die because you ditched the hospital before they wanted you to. Mom said she had a mild heart attack, what the heck is a “mild” attack?! Your heart turns on you and causes serious problems, how can you ever conceivably call this mild? Not her first, but let’s hope her last. She said, “I may not make it through the night”, so I told her that she would positively outlive us all, but she had better keep her butt right there in that chair! She’s no spring chicken definitely, but I’ve gotten quite used to having her around, always there hovering somewhere in the background. She loves me, one of the few people in my life that I know for a fact will always love me and I love her, as crazy as she can make me sometimes and that’s probably the exact same thing my kids say about me! There’s not many of us left anymore. I tease my son and tell him that if he doesn’t have his own son one day, our family name dies with him, but no pressure! Of course I hope he waits for quite a while before he procreates, he’s only 22 and still not settled into life, but it is the truth, he is the last hope, it’s a little sad really, but I haven’t given up. There’s always a tomorrow for us all, even stubborn old ladies!

Lacey ☮

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Lady In Black

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I watched a child approach me, with a question on his mind
I looked into his solemn face, and the smile I gave was kind
He said to me, dear lady, please tell me, tell me true
Why is it that you’re clothed in black, never red or green or blue

I stopped and thought how best to reply, to make him understand
Then said to him, please listen child, the reasons I have are grand
I am forever in mourning, from now til the day I die
For the lost souls of the children, who sit in the darkness and cry

There are so many people here, their pain it goes so deep
Their world is filled with violence, and they’re afraid to even sleep
There’s too much bloodshed in our time, guns and bombs and wars abound
Innocent people lose their lives, and their homes are burned to the ground

And then there are the people lost, in a world filled with drugs and drink
Their lives centered only on their fix, about others, they cease to think
And then there is pornography, and the pain, it trickles down
To fall upon both women and children, and their dignity is stamped in the ground

People are dying and our planet too, the diseases far outnumber the cures
We can no longer believe in our government, and the future that it assures
Families are homeless and in the street, the old are shunted aside
The young are destroyed before they begin, and the frightened have no where to hide

The prisons are overcrowded now, and can no longer lock away
The people who’ve caused such misery, so they’re free to stalk their prey
I mourn for all the souls who face, poverty and hunger all their lives
I mourn for children who have no parents, and husbands who’ve lost their wives

Everyday you read the news, and the headlines are all the same
About rapes and murders and muggings, and even more that I could name
I mourn for all the injustice, done both to women and to men
But especially for the children, for the protection for them is thin

They sit alone in the darkness, and their fears they try to hide
Because of all the abuse they’ve faced, and there’s no answer when they’ve cried
Both physically and mentally, the anguish is everywhere
But there’s nothing more that I can do, except wear black to show I care

*Lacey*

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One Day

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So in a rare moment of feeling sociable,  I agreed to help out someone and let them ask me some questions for their psychology class, no big deal, and it really wasn’t, but I did start it with a warning “Don’t ask me a direct question unless you really want a truthful answer.” You see I’ve managed to irritate quite a few people in my life by not issuing this disclaimer beforehand. So anyway, one of the questions was “What do you do that you find joy in?” I thought about it, I thought hard, digging around in my recent memories of my day to day life and my answer was… nothing. I have this website and I play a little Xbox before I go to bed and the Xbox has become more of a habit I think, something to distract me for a little while, because it’s not really fun anymore. I do enjoy my blog, but only to a point. I have great ideas when I lay down and try to sleep at night, they keep swirling around in my brain, there’s so many wonderful things that I envision for it that keeps me awake, but then when I actually sit down in front of my computer, the reality of it isn’t as easy. So the answer was really nothing and this sad look came over her face fleetingly, which made me feel kinda bad about it, but it was the truth. One thing that keeps me going is looking toward one day. That’s been my crutch for a lot of things for a long time. I see these really cool shoes (who doesn’t love new kicks?) that I know would look fabulous on me (I imagine), but I can’t afford them, so I tell myself that it’s okay, one day, I’ll have them. I hate my dead end job, but it’s okay for now because one day, I’ll find that dream job, I hate where I’m living, but it’s okay because one day, I’ll move somewhere better, my car is falling apart, but it’s okay because one day, I’ll have a new ride, etc. etc. you get the concept. The only problem is that I’m getting older now and I’m literally running out of days. How far away is one day? I don’t know, but it needs to be coming along here pretty shortly, along with time, I’m running out of steam as well, I’m getting tired folks, really tired. There is one thing that bothers me though, taking into consideration that whole “the grass is always greener” saying, if and when one day ever comes, will it be worth it? Will I still remember the dreams that I had? If I do remember and achieve them, will they still mean something to me…

Lacey ☮

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A Glimpse Within

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I’ve always heard the eyes
Are the windows to our soul
But if you want a glimpse within
Read poetry, then you’ll know
Everyone is different
And the words they write reflect
Everything that’s in their heart
And the things they can’t forget
Some use imagination
To bring a point across
But the root is in reality
And the truth is never lost
So if you want to see my heart
And everything it holds
I invite you to a glimpse within
My poetry is my soul

*Lacey*

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Running Into Walls

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My mind is plagued by frustration, always running into walls
Cold brick is not a nice sensation and neither are hard falls
It seems the harder I try to win, the more behind I stay
Blind alleys I walk, will never end, reality’s harsh in light of day
Turn left, turn right, the choice is mine, for all the difference it makes
Because someone will always draw a line, an invisible chain that never breaks
One step forward, two steps back, an inadequate parade
Castle dreaming in a shack, sweat on my brow, a charade
I’m always running into walls, it seems to be my fate
Perverse bad luck and haunted halls are the food upon my plate
It may be the same for everyone and they simply accept their lot
But I swear I’ll fight til my life is done, I refuse to be in time, forgot

*Lacey*

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Mind Mapping

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Okay, so right off the bat let me say that this isn’t a paid review. I took this test not too long ago because it was recommended to me from another source and what I have to say about this is that it’s AWESOME! 16personalities.com amazingly, eerily accurate. I was classified as  ADVOCATE PERSONALITY (INFJ, -A/-T) and this suits me right down to the ground, are they spying on me from my underwear drawer? If you’re interested in this kind of thing, learning more about yourself, then I strongly urge you to try it for yourself, it’s eye opening and lots of fun! If you want to learn more about my particular results, they’ll be posted in another category. (Mind map or something, I haven’t quite decided, but that sucker is long enough to have it’s own zipcode! ) Peace out!

Lacey ☮

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Am I Dreaming

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Was it all a dream last night or did you hold me in your arms
Did you gently wake me with the morning light, did you enchant me with your charms
Were your sweet lips pressed softly to mine, your body warm as you lay by my side
Is this happiness that I’ve chanced to find or later will I find my mind lied
I still can hardly believe it’s true, but I’ve only to look over and see
A quietly sleeping, wonderful you and believe your heart you gave me
But still it feels just like a dream when I recall the words sweetly said
Or maybe some writer’s elaborate scheme remembered from a book I once read
How could it be that you really want me, a prince so handsome and true
Tell me what it is in me that you see, that you whisper the words “I love you”
If it’s true it’s only a fantasy, please let me continue to sleep
Let the smile on my lips continue to be, allow me my happiness to keep
I safely nestle in your embrace, I thank the heavens for smiling down
My fears are gone without a trace and sadness can no longer be found
You look at me with loving eyes, there’s tenderness in your touch
The way you feel, you can’t disguise, your face says you need me so much
Your breath is warm upon my skin, could it be you’re as real as you seem
A man like you, could I possibly win or is it all just really a dream

*Lacey*

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Pebbles

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The rock was strong and sturdy, it’s face craggy and pitted from the winds of time. The entire weight of the mountain rested upon this rock, day after day, night after night, yet the rock never murmured, never groaned. One day a tiny fissure appeared, but it was ignored. The crowd announced that this rock so strong, that it would stand forever and they continued on with their lives. Trash was strewn about on the ground it rested on and graffiti marred it’s once pristine face. The crack grew larger and continued to deepen, but the crowd walked by with unseeing eyes. Then one day, with a low rumble, the rock split in two and crumbled into pieces, into tiny pebbles, and the crowd marveled as the entire mountain came down in a cloud of dust. Then they continued on their own path, kicking the pebbles out of their way.

*Lacey*

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Lois Lane…

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This is what it takes to get me to leave the sanctuary of my beloved bedroom… Food! Wonderful food that I didn’t have to cook and an outing with my honey. This is a chicken fajita omelet, it looks a little messy, but it was so yummy!

My man doesn’t realize how much I depend on him, he’s totally my security blanket, you know, like Linus from the Peanuts dragging that blue scrap around. As aggravating and ill tempered as he can be (he’s a not young Italian 😀 ), he’s become my world, my safety net, my motivation. Almost every decision I make is based on how I think he’ll receive/perceive it. I have his back (to the best of my ability) because I know that he has mine. That’s a relationship folks! It’s taken him a little time (quite a bit actually) to realize the extreme of my social anxiety and peculiar introversion because being mostly a homebody himself, it didn’t really stand out until this past year and that’s probably (definitely) a lot my fault because I simply never talked about it. It’s hard to admit to your significant other that hey, I have problems, I’m not like most of the other people that you’ve known, I’m not perfect. I don’t think he really grasped the magnitude of it at first, how hard it really is for me to socialize, how much energy it takes to get through it, how draining mentally and emotionally it is, how it can just beat the crap out of me under certain circumstances, but he’s starting to see it now and his expectation of me is changing, he’s become more understanding, more gentle (still always my best friend). As I said, my security blanket, my teddy bear, the thing that I cling to when my inner storms threaten to engulf me. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not weak, I have a great amount of strength when the chips are down (or I’ve been pushed too far and my southern charm is replaced with the full force of my southern temper!) I’m like Superman, but even he had his kryptonite that rendered him powerless. So does that make Babe my Lois Lane?

Lacey ☮